Name: Crystal
Alias: Pips, Pippi, Mary
Age: 16
Birthday: October 5th
Future?: I plan on going to college, hopefully at one in New York that I have my eye on. I want to major in Internations Studies, minoring in Psychology and maybe French...
Contact Me
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Feb 25, 2004
Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here. Why I cause so many problems, and why I no longer care for the things I used to. I went from straight A's to D's and F's. That's not me.... at least I don't think it is. It seems that I've been on this downward spiral since we moved back to Hesperia. I've cried just about every night since this school year started. I miss all of the friends I left, I miss my independence out there. I can't be the person everyone wants me to be, I can't be perfect. And no one seems to understand that. Some of my friends don't know about all of my problems so they don't seem to be bothered, but the ones that do are afriad that I wont live past my teenage years. I can't handle all this stress, and no one wants to help me. My parents are constantly restricting me in everything I've found that takes away my pain and my stress. They claim that all they want for me is the best, and that I need to consintrate only on my studies. They don't know that they're only making it worse, that they're not helping one bit. One day I'm just going to completely break down and no one will be able to help me. And I'm afraid of what I might do. As I cry writting this, my breathing skips and it's hard to see. But my mom and brother continue to walk around me, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm in pain. They don't want to help me, but I don't blame them, all I seem to bring is pain.
I want to be like a bird, free to fly where my wings take me. My mom just walked by, looking at my tears and all she did was roll her eyes and tell me that I need to get offline and do my homework. She doesn't care. My brother comments that his grades are better than mine, and that all of his are, and my mom just agrees. He doesn't care either. My mom continues to act like nothings wrong. why doesn't she realize that I need help? Why can't see tell that my tears are because of what she's helped cause? Nothing matters any more. Just please, take me away.
Posted at 05:42 pm by DeepSea
Feb 1, 2004
Happy happy happy *coughssnorts* haha
Today has been a rather good day ^_^ Ok, so it's only 10:44 but hey, it's been a good morning. For people that know me, I'm not really a morning person, so yeah !! I don't know why I'm so happy... well yeah I do, kind of. ^_^ A fwend gave me a message from this very very very special guy ^_^ But before that I was happy... no clue why. Maybe because I was actually able to sleep in until 10 *cheers* Or maybe because I really don't need to do any of my homework tonight because my whole school it going to the movies tomorrow !! Yeah, it's so cool. We upped our Cat 6 scores 78 points, ranking Hesperia number 3 in SoCal and number 12 in Cali ^_^ so, because of this growth, the school is treating everuone to a day at the movies. So basically, we go to first period for a little while, then second--and if we go to see LOTR we leave then-- then we go to third, and fromt here to the bus, then the movie. When we come back, we have lunch until the end of that day ^_^ !!
Omg, I finally got Dead Poets Society yesterday, so I can try and use it in the essay for english, I cried.. it was sooo sad. Basically, the movie was really good up until oh... about when Neel goes in the play, then from there, it all goes downhill. I mean, Charlie does some really stupid things and I think he gets expelled in the end. But anyway, the part that made me cry, Neel kills himself, I was all holy crap !! I think he did it because, thanks to Mr. Keating, he was able to see what living really was, and his gay father keeps pushing him down, and his mom didn't do anything to help the sitation either. Poor Mr.Keating gets blamed for it all. Anyway, I had mixed emotions about the ending. I like how Todd finally steps out of his shell and takes a stand, he reminds me a lot of myself, it's only been lately that I've really had an opinion, and let everyone know it. And the last scene, while I wasn't exactly sure about it, was really good. I am so glad that people aren't like that any more. I mean seriously, thinking that teenagers can't think on their own, puh-lease. >_> I wouldn't be able to handle such opressive parents. I took this test in psychology, it messured four things: how much you know what you want to do, how much more you need to come to terms with, how much your parents opinions matter, and the other I can't remember... Anyway, for the how much your parents opinions matter, out of a total of 75 possible points, I scored a whoping 19 points. Yeah... !!
Lets see, I don't think I have much to else to say, this is probably going to be on of my shorter entries, eh oh well. Eep, tomorrow is going to be fun ^_^ !!
Posted at 11:10 am by DeepSea
Jan 18, 2004
Why is it that whatever I do, it just isn't good enough, for anyone? Why must I constantly be placed on a pedistal and measured against another person? Why can't people realize what they do and say hurts me? Why do people consider her my best friend when all she does is use and hurt me?
All but like two people actually know me. They know me better than the person everyone calls my best friend. They know all my secrets, my fears, my hopes and dreams. They no the things that I would die before telling anyone else. And yet, they are greatly disliked by my parents, so one I an only talk to online, and the other I see only at school. Have I done something so worng that I must be deprived of the very people I care about most? Why am I being punished like this? I know I'm not perfect but do I really need to be kept away from the people I trust the most? Sometimes I wish I had never been born, or that I could just die right now. Someone up there, please take me away from this suffering.
My parents wish I would be different, that I could be the best person ever, get straight A's and always be busy with firends. My step-dad basically worshipsmy so called 'best friend' like a Goddess, bending to her very need. He invites her over, not me, they an hour before she's suposed to come, she tells me that she is coming, then askes if that's alright, even though she already told me. My step-dad cooks whatever she wants for dinner, she spend countless hours online, on an SN on my step-dad account, when I have a time limit. Then he points out everything that she has that I don't, right infront of me. And instead of ignoring him, or stopping him, my friend smiles and agrees. I get my first F in school, and they world comes to an end and I have suddenly have to make up my whole junior year, but she gets four F's and they simply ignore it. I am so sick and tired of all this. If my parents want her as their daughter then they need to fucking get rid of me already, or I might just do it myself. I can't be her, I can't even be better than I am now, so why should I bother trying to be someone I'm not? Why even bother to try anymore?...
Posted at 12:42 pm by DeepSea
Nov 11, 2003
Let me see.... it's been two days since I last posted? Sunday, monday... and today, so there's so much to recap on.
Sunday. I was dragged out of bed at around 5 am and forced to go down to Longbeach to the ever-boring swap meet. First off, 5 am on a Sunday is way too early to be awake; second, the swap meet is generally a "male" thing, flooded with guys ranging in age from young to really really old braging about cars and the like, showing off their knowledge to mechanics, or lack-there-of and being well, 'men', if one was apt to decribe it as such. Being 'men', of course, is not a bad thing, unless you are a 16 year-old female trapped within a swarm of these 'men'. Now, being as utterly confused as I was, I decided to block out all conversation that was taking place afore me and 'observe' the 'male-ness'. I have found the general 'man' to consit of: a plastic cup off beer, grunts about the merchandise before them and a funny looking walk. I realize that at least one of the opposite gender reads this, and I beg of you to not be offended, this is just what was going on where I was. Now, as a direct contrast, there were venders selling shirts, purses and crystal figurines. These venders were sparse and well dispursed throughout the entire place. My group and I walked through the entire swap meet, not once but three times. We walked for four hours, surrounded by groups of guys exclaiming about transmitions and O rings. Not only did my legs ache, but I was handed all the bags to carry, to I was a pack horse and my shoulders ached as well; all of which intensified my current illness.
After spending such a time completely confused and cold, we (the group) continued on to one of the group's house. I fought off sleep for another couple of hours, listening to the five guys sitting around me bag on one another, which was followed by four of the five trying to push the youngest of the group, whom just turned 15, to put his arm around me. They continuely insisted that we sit next to each other and that we 'hook up'. Thankfully, I was saved by the mother of three of them, who's name I never got. She made the youngest go finish homework and gave me something to do so I wouldn't just be sitting there. I love her, lol. Not much happened after that, thank goodness.
Monday. Oh, if you thought my last entry was bad, this one is going to blow you away. The combination of the physical and mental exertion from sunday and my illness completely drained me. So, when I got up on monday I pleded and begged my mother to let me stay home, and as usual I got the "If you are feeling good enough to fight with me, you are well enough to go to school. And if you feel worse call me and I'll come get you." If I am sick, and my mother knows I am, sending me to school will just make it worse. I also believe that if I get my lazy butt up, get ready and make it to school, I might as well stay there for the rest of the day, it's less confusing that way. So finally, after sitting through her never ending lecture of how one shouldn't miss too much school, and her continual "You're going to fail" lectures I decided that I wasn't going to school and that was final. I sat on my bed, telling my mother to stuff it and that I was staying home. She went wild, throwing every single threat imaginable at me as well and clothing. In the end I was allowed to stay home, she went off to work, but not before confining me to my room saying, "I don't want to see you out of your room all day!" Blah, blah, blah, but I stayed in my room until my step dad drug me out of bed again and made me eat something, then he left with the resounding, "Try not to piss your mom off any more, and if you do, don't tell me about it." And with that I went back to my room and back to bed. The whole day I occcupied myself with thoughts of suicide, the continual fear of being beaten by my step dad--whom has never done it before, but I wouldn't exactly put it past him-- and crying, lot and lots of crying. Please someone, take me away from this, I don't care how you do it. I'm afraid monday was not a good day at all. Luckily the suicidal intentions are now pushed to the back of my mind and I can now think clearly. I know someone is wondering why on earth I would even think about comitting suicide over this, if you are one of those I suggest you contact me and I shall enlighten you.
Today. Amazingly enough, today has gone rather well so far. It's a school holiday and my mom is at work and my one of my best friends just came back from visiting her sister, and she even brought me a gift ^^. I finally gave her her birthday present, even though it's like two months late. I've recieved an e-mail from a worried erm 'friend'. It seems that when my step dad took over the computer saturday night, that he stayed on my name for a while and typed in 'Crystal is dead' on all of my IMs then changed to his sn. What an asshole. I am not dead, and am in fact from from being it. Please excuse me step dad, he knows naught what he does. Now, if today continues like it is, and I finish me homework, I shall be ok I think. I have a mock trial meeting to go to tomorrow after school until six, so I don't expect to be online, least ways typing in my blog. Tomorrow is going to be very busy I'm afraid.
Posted at 12:22 pm by DeepSea
Nov 8, 2003
This is my second blog. The last one ended up unused and well, vacent--minus two or three posts. I wonder how long this one shall last, hopefully longer than the last one. I guess for some reason I like to bundle all my thoughts inside my head and keep them to myself, selfish? Nu... not even, I'm probably doing everyone a favor by not sharing *shrugs* oh well.
I've been sick since last weekend; so, for about seven evil days I have been coughing, choaking, sneezing and ultimately feeling ikky. And finally, when I believe I would have a nice day to surf the web, chat and just be blah to gather my thoughts, I wind up in a heated arguement with a friend. Not only did she continuely push me and push me, even after I warned her and asked her to stop, she also mocked me several times. Now, being the level-headed, calm person I'm not, I completely blew up and didn't come down for hours, until now, now that I feel blah.
My friend also decided to murder her charrie from a rather intense role-play that was going on; which, shocked a few people. It also made the maker of the role-play, whom rather disliked my friend with great magnitude, feel sorry for her. And, even though he claims it's not my fault and I shouldn't feel bad, I know, with all my heart, that he does blame me. And I am sorry... kind of; those things needed to be said, and if I didn't say them, some one else would have. But, of course, it would have been appropriate for them to burn her, but no, not me. Sometimes, no, most times I wish I were someone completely different, without friends, without a conscious, without... without everything that I am now, was in the past, or will be in the future. Perhaps then I wouldn't have any problems or be worried were I'm going in life.
Oh well, it's always nice to dream, n'est pas? *sigh* Anyway, school is just as evil as ever. I hate English with a passion. I have to make up a brainstorm for an essay. He refers to the essay as 'Voice Project #2--A Place You Know'. We've already done one, which I recieved and 80 out 100 on, and I thought it was rather well done. But, because we all have to write another one, I supose the class as a whole didn't do so well. I know that a few people have to completely redo their first paper, that must suck! I still can't believe I have an F in the class, eh, c'est la vie. Other than that, I don't think I really have any problems. Well, I do have to do a lab Pyschology *shrugs* Nothing too difficult of course.
*Glances at clock* Wow, it's only taken me 30 minutes to write this. Not too bad ^^ Now 'tis time that I be off doing other things.
Posted at 05:21 pm by DeepSea
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